It's been a year since I last logged in and wrote something here. *blows dust off*. Neglect aside, I am glad to have this virtual space to pen down my thoughts and feelings and update on where I am in my life at present.
Post my first 10k in Kota Kinabalu (Borneo International Marathon) , I have since completed the Standard Chartered 10K (KL), Newton Challenge 12K (Penang), Colour Run 5K (KL) and OSIM Sundown Half-Marathon 21.1K (SG), in many different ways.
Some of the runs ended on a high note, and some ended in a mix of exhaustion and disappointment.
The Stand Chart one and OSIM Sundown half marathon stand out in my mind as moments of despair when I knew it would be almost impossible to meet the cut-off time and yet I pushed on. Reaching the finishing line did nothing for me, except to feel somewhat a failure even though I had managed to prevail to the very end. The cramps which I suffered in my 14th km during Sundown (only on my left leg. It must be much weaker than my right leg) reminded me I needed to put in much more mileage to accustom my legs to the full distance, although I realised the cramps only kicked in after a much greater distance from the first time I suffered from cramps after the Terry Fox run, which was only 5K back in December 2013. I m taking that as a sign of progress.
In contrast, the Newton Challenge was one of my triumphs in which I was well within the stipulated cut-off time. Running along Gurney as I watched the sun rise and playing hop, skip and jump along the pot-holed roads of Pulau Tikus was an amazing and unforgettable feeling. I jumped over uncovered drains and counted the number of pot holes which appeared and I ran like a headless chicken at traffic crossings. Early morning runs - the sunrise you enjoy makes up for the pain of leaving a comfortable bed.
I am currently training for the Run for A Cause (RFAC) 10K at the upcoming Standard Chartered Marathon to raise funds for Hospis Malaysia. Why palliative care? Why Hospis Malaysia? While I believe in making the last days of those who are in pain dignified and with minimal suffering, I have chosen this cause to honour Dato' Sir Peter Mooney and my dearest grandmother, both who have made a difference in my life. The link to my RFACprofile is here
After 7 years of being in Lifeline, I have finally called it quits and left.
Whywhathowwhen? Burnout is the simplest reason, I reckon.
So much to process. So much to deal with, when for 7 years I have given my heart, mind, strength to building up and forming the community, despite my own issues. It was the centre of my days and nights for a very long time.
I wasn't perfect. I still am not. But what I leave behind cuts into me, makes me wonder am I even capable of loving again? Of caring? Or being with others whose brokenness wounds me and me wounding others in my incomplete self? I was talked down to, laughed at, seen as an emotional trainwreck, judged as incompetent and incapable (who the hell comes up with these metrics anyway?) and finally and ultimately rejected. If tomorrow I appeared before Him, all I can say is I tried my best.
It's gotten to a point where memories of certain individuals spike my desire to run faster or to speed up on the elliptical in disgust and derision. Good for my body, not so good for my soul.
In wild moments, I wonder if the faith I had nurtured and tried to impart to others will desert me, even where my mental faculties and thought have sharpened. Perhaps I will become one of those hardened atheists, disdaining unnecessary and unwarranted human contact that interferes with thought and reason and the improvement of what I currently hold in my hands: my time and life.
Winter of discontent indeed.