Updates - from surviving to thriving - the Serenity Prayer

This is one of those brief posts where I realise that I've not updated this little space on the Interwebs for a very long time and since I'm now on extended Christmas leave and catching my breath, it's probably the best time for me to do that. 

The period of being at a loose end has come to an end (pun not intended) and it's about time to move on. I did ask me the hard questions and part of them were answered as I would describe more fully, in the second part of this post. I was also helped by a series of particularly enlightening conversations with a partner in the law firm where I work, which has opened my eyes to a new way of doing things and understanding what life is all about. 

Suffice to say, it is only by God's grace that I pulled thru this particularly difficult time, in which He saw fit to give me a nice new Nokia Lumia 800 smartphone via the St Ignatius church Junior Youth Ministry raffle ticket draw. I was reading 'the Hobbit' on a fine Sunday morning when I got the call telling me I won the phone - which I instantly thought was a scam! Haha. Luckily despite the boy selling the raffle tickets calling me 'aunty' (wth!), I bought 2 books and well ... God knew I needed that little pick-me-up, as He always knows.  

It's not a perfect phone, but hey, it's good enough for me. And it has a GPS, which I instantly dubbed Moses (to lead me to the Promised Land). So far Moses has been all right, except for the few times when it's been quite stupid, taking me further into Puchong rather than back to Damansara. Times like these I tell Moses to stuff it and just drive my merry way. 

*** 

From surviving to thriving. I did find my answers to the hard questions in the session with Fr Matt Linn SJ end November. I discovered I enjoy making the intangible tangible. To crystallise ideas into words and concepts into narrative. 

That explains why despite the struggles I face, I am still in this profession that I am in. I find that it always begins with an idea or many ideas - what gives me joy is helping clients to clarify, crystallise and formulate their ideas using words and from there, make their ideas happen. The process is sometimes long drawn-out, and often difficult (esp where there is no precedent) but oh my, the beauty of something concluded, completed. And of course, seeking clarity in the morass of documents and papers in a due diligence exercise. It gives me that satisfaction that goes beyond the mere ka-ching of an invoice that has been settled. 

Needless to say, the care of people underscores all I have done before and all I wish to do, in the future. An expression of love, far beyond the bottomline - of which I acknowledge its due importance, that is what I am striving for. 

***

Forgiveness begins to happen when you realise you can't control people's responses and reactions. You can't force people to be kind or to love, you can only be kind to yourself and to them. One of the other things that has helped immensely thru this time has been the Serenity Prayer, and I reproduce below the original Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Neibuhr:- 

GOD, grant me the serenity

to accept the thingsI cannot change, 
Courage to change thethings I can, and thewisdom to know the difference. 
Living one day at a time;Enjoying one moment at a time;Accepting hardship as thepathway to peace. 
Taking, as He did, thissinful world as it is, not as I would have it. 
Trusting that He will makeall things right if Isurrender to His Will; 
That I may be reasonably happyin this life, and supremelyhappy with Him forever inthe next. 
Amen

Updates / That wordless love / Paper v Touchscreen ***

Hello all,
it's been ages since I last updated this little space of mine on the web - a job change is what I'd like to share. 
To be honest, nobody is more surprised than I am that I am still in legal practice. If you have known me for that long and have been following my story, you would know that I never did see myself as particularly lawyerly - not too polished, slick, clever at buttering up or sharply dressed, or cunning. Or brutal, tough and conscience less, as popular view would have you believe it. 
But here I am, in practice again, working at the kind of place I didn't think I would belong in (large firm with a flurry of activity and movement and all sorts of people, from the ultra happening to the quirky to the quiet) and learning as much and as best as I can everyday. 
I do believe that God has a purpose for me to be there and in as much as there are some pretty rough days and weeks, my corpus of experience (and felt knowledge) is increasing and when the time is right, I shall be able to move on to the next stage of my life to assist others in enriching their own knowledge and carve their paths out. 
*trusting Him and knowing when the time is right* 


*** 


That wordless love - where only action can bring it into the light. 
you didn't have to, you didn't need to. but you still did.
and after a lifetime of deafness, i think i m finally learning to listen and know that in those things you did and have been doing, you were saying 'I love you' in the best way you could.


Thank you. 


***


Prayer time had been about using my smartphone - scrolling down the touchscreen to read the day's readings and reciting the prayers off the screen. 
And every now and then using the Pray-As-You-Go podcast, which I would admit has been wonderful and it's so compact, guiding you through 15 minutes (or so) of the day's reading with stirring music as accompaniment and reflective prayer. 
But nothing beats the good old fashioned paper and ink devotional and my 500 grams Bible - as I flip through the pages, I am reminded why we are a sacramental people and that it is in these very tangible and real things that we find closeness and healing and peace. 


I'll probably go on with both, and as the days become busier and rest periods shorter and shorter, I need to remember, the first fruits belong to Him, and to Him be all praise, honour and glory.


AMDG! 

A Birthday - Life Lessons and Hope

I celebrated my 28th Birthday not too long ago - and one of the discoveries I made on that day was that I'm thankful for the well-wishes given me by my friends and family via sms,email and of course, the ubiquitous fb. So many wishes that I am yet to reply to - thank you for your patience and kindness.

But more importantly was the discovery that hey, my birthday is just another day and that whatever happens, good or bad, the day WILL pass into the next. I used to get so upset when people forgot my significant day or made things difficult for me etc on that day especially but now I accept it. Not with a desolate resignation but simply recognising that the world doesn't revolve around me. Life isn't obliged to be nice to me. Whatever is good I accept graciously, whatever is bad I try and learn from it, and not cling too tightly to it for danger of blinding myself to my present blessings.

So to the more adult self - think of St Therese Lisieux at her moment of conversion in her youth, praise be to God. I will pray for strength and wisdom to tide the days ahead.

***

My grandma is in the hospital after having coughed up blood - reminiscences of the time she was warded in the CCU when I was in 3rd year of law school and when she was so very ill. We are all worried and upset, considering that she just celebrated 60 years of marriage to my grandfather last Thursday. And yet, hope by prayer is what keeps us going.

There are no guarantees in this fragile existence granted us. The important thing is to be of good courage and cheer and to face the troubles head on. Happiness is fleeting, but joy sits in the heart and propels us forward from within even when things are at a loss outwardly.

I am glad I am around at home to help out and to spend time with her in the hospital - such a blessing it is, indeed, to be able to serve and love our family in person even in the middle of difficult moments! Would I have traded all those moments I spent with my grandparents with fun and 'happening' moments elsewhere? Even to running further and further ahead career wise? No, and the certainty of this conviction eases my doubts about my major decision earlier.

Putting my hand to the plough

Putting one's hand to the plough - picture credits here.

Luke 9:62 -Jesus said to him, 'Once the hand is laid on the plough, no one who looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.'

It is human nature to look back after a decision is made - think of Lot's wife, perhaps she only glanced back when they were fleeing Sodom and Gomorrah and yet, how swiftly she was turned into a pillar of salt! Was her transformation into that self-same pillar the mark of a vengeful and exacting God who demands that we follow His instructions to the letter or simply a natural consequence of her own inner division which made her unable to let go of the life and place she knew before?

Undoubtedly the Lord does place demands on all of us, the life of a Christian disciple is marked by both affirmations (of love) and challenges - and this point is canvassed at greater length here. It follows that obedience is required to live this life out fully. Obedience is one of the ways to overcome the inner division inside all of us, that we are not as different from Lot's wife as we might think we are.

I know I am loved by God, and that He has sent me here, home for a purpose, and in obedience to His good plan for me, I want to learn from the steadfastness that Jesus teaches and not look back. Sometimes I wonder at what I have given up, and memories of a time back in 2004 when I had to decide between Law Soc and Catholic Students Society UM (I chose CSSUM, resulting in the most stressful year of law school I went through but the one which God helped me pull through by His grace and mercy) come up again. The reality of the situation is that He has been preparing me all this while, so much so that even when I dread another difficult decision which has to be made - I learn that He is present in every difficult decision and that by plunging whole heartedly into it, I am entering fully into the moment with Him and learning to be more and more like Him.

Yes, a decision has been made and with it, the knowledge that I need to put my hand to the plough and be brave and not look back. Look ahead bravely. On a less serious note, as my grandma said, if God really wanted us to look back, He would have given us eyes at the back of our head! One slow small step at a time now ...

There's something about journeys

There's something about journeys that make us want to record it, take photos, record the moments, write about it. I was reminded of this when my LLM classmate commented that he couldn't upload the photos of our commencement on fb immediately and we would most likely have to wait for the official photos to come in.

I suppose in my own way, I also record, keep track, measure, look back at what I have gone through. Even if not all comes up as pix on fb, there are notes, my previous blog posts, fragments and pieces of animated and sometimes painful, awkward conversations which keep me going and become faded sepia in the passage of time. In fact, this blog was started specifically for sharing my insights as I journeyed pretty much on my own in Singapore. (altho credit must go to my wonderful mentor and friends and family who have supported me by their kindness, prayers and presence above all)

What about now you ask? I am learning to trust my own experience and to believe that no matter what has happened, I need to take on the Creator's attitude of taking all the scraps I rejected as unsightly and make something beautiful out of them. And having many choices, as Fr Simon Yong told me last year, is not the same as choosing - once chosen, as the verse goes, putting my hand to the plough, I will not look back.

I used to think that if only I knew, if only I could see and think and plan ahead, life would be so much better. Now it's just one crazy mess, and I don't even know if I'm trying hard enough, or I've done or need to do more, or just selling out or caving in. Or maybe I'm all of those.
But keeping still, I press my ear to the heart in the quiet - where I hear desires that I have long suppressed and know where I am happiest, and how much of a leap of faith I will need to take. I do need to choose, and do it in faith, and hope and trust that whatever happened before, whatever brokenness and wounds I've experienced, they do not define me and that God is guiding me towards the right path.

Salmon swim upstream, I am probably insane to even consider wanting to come back when hordes of people are abandoning the ship, saying it's going to sink. Question is: who's bigger? Or what is? The rotten and crooked System that punishes the capable and rewards the rich, powerful and connected? Or the Lord who knows what fulfills me and strengthens me and gives me happiness? Yes I was looking for confirmation, some sort of affirmation that I am on the right track, that I'm not crazy. I didn't hear anything but a confused jumble of voices advising me to go further, try harder etc etc. The more I listened, the more I felt guilty and irrational for entertaining thoughts of homecoming instead of putting even further out. The notion of a leap of faith comes back to me, life here which is hollow and unsatisfying and yet perhaps capable of growing me and realising those dreams I have for me and my family despite those struggles ... and yet can I make something better out of what lies ahead by choosing to go home and seemingly make do with less - this unambitious girl who has sold herself short? For whatever is, I do have those dreams and desires which perhaps only my Maker knows best that I want to realise. And He alone can provide me the means of doing so.

Yes there's something about journeys - in that besides wanting to record, we also want to know there is a destination in sight. I know that short of Heaven, nothing is perfect. I just want to be where I can be whole and say Goodbye and God bless to that which I leave behind. And be at peace with what I've done.