Updates - from surviving to thriving - the Serenity Prayer

This is one of those brief posts where I realise that I've not updated this little space on the Interwebs for a very long time and since I'm now on extended Christmas leave and catching my breath, it's probably the best time for me to do that. 

The period of being at a loose end has come to an end (pun not intended) and it's about time to move on. I did ask me the hard questions and part of them were answered as I would describe more fully, in the second part of this post. I was also helped by a series of particularly enlightening conversations with a partner in the law firm where I work, which has opened my eyes to a new way of doing things and understanding what life is all about. 

Suffice to say, it is only by God's grace that I pulled thru this particularly difficult time, in which He saw fit to give me a nice new Nokia Lumia 800 smartphone via the St Ignatius church Junior Youth Ministry raffle ticket draw. I was reading 'the Hobbit' on a fine Sunday morning when I got the call telling me I won the phone - which I instantly thought was a scam! Haha. Luckily despite the boy selling the raffle tickets calling me 'aunty' (wth!), I bought 2 books and well ... God knew I needed that little pick-me-up, as He always knows.  

It's not a perfect phone, but hey, it's good enough for me. And it has a GPS, which I instantly dubbed Moses (to lead me to the Promised Land). So far Moses has been all right, except for the few times when it's been quite stupid, taking me further into Puchong rather than back to Damansara. Times like these I tell Moses to stuff it and just drive my merry way. 

*** 

From surviving to thriving. I did find my answers to the hard questions in the session with Fr Matt Linn SJ end November. I discovered I enjoy making the intangible tangible. To crystallise ideas into words and concepts into narrative. 

That explains why despite the struggles I face, I am still in this profession that I am in. I find that it always begins with an idea or many ideas - what gives me joy is helping clients to clarify, crystallise and formulate their ideas using words and from there, make their ideas happen. The process is sometimes long drawn-out, and often difficult (esp where there is no precedent) but oh my, the beauty of something concluded, completed. And of course, seeking clarity in the morass of documents and papers in a due diligence exercise. It gives me that satisfaction that goes beyond the mere ka-ching of an invoice that has been settled. 

Needless to say, the care of people underscores all I have done before and all I wish to do, in the future. An expression of love, far beyond the bottomline - of which I acknowledge its due importance, that is what I am striving for. 

***

Forgiveness begins to happen when you realise you can't control people's responses and reactions. You can't force people to be kind or to love, you can only be kind to yourself and to them. One of the other things that has helped immensely thru this time has been the Serenity Prayer, and I reproduce below the original Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Neibuhr:- 

GOD, grant me the serenity

to accept the thingsI cannot change, 
Courage to change thethings I can, and thewisdom to know the difference. 
Living one day at a time;Enjoying one moment at a time;Accepting hardship as thepathway to peace. 
Taking, as He did, thissinful world as it is, not as I would have it. 
Trusting that He will makeall things right if Isurrender to His Will; 
That I may be reasonably happyin this life, and supremelyhappy with Him forever inthe next. 
Amen

Daring to ask the hard questions

I'm at a bit of a loose end. A lot has happened in my life since I last wrote and the fruit of my thoughts are below:- 

*warning: free association writing* 

Do I actually dare to ask myself and to ask God the hard questions? And to listen to what the answers might bring me? To someplace I don't want to go, like St Peter? What if what He demands much more of me than I am willing to give? What if all I've been doing before this is a waste and a colossal mistake?

No wallowing, but the tears at the chapel/prayer room are real ... and with them, the sense of waiting for the clouds to part, and for me to listen more to what and who I am, the courage to pursue what I really believe in and to build on the person I am. Not to keep on apologising to the world for who I am but to embrace, accept and grow the gifts I have been given. 
What am I waiting for?

More than an image,
Bigger than a perception, or steoreotypes, or whatever boxes or lines you want to put around me, 
Greater than what you think I stand for, or who I'm all about...
I am who I am. 

A tremendous struggle it's been. Wombat like I would like to curl up in a corner, but there is a life to keep living. And a self to listen to. And to love. 

The pieces that didn't quite fit

A long time ago, you were fragile, emerging from behind a shy glance,

you came out to meet the world,

which greeted you with nothing more than taunts and jeers,

you had no name, you began to believe you didn't deserve one.

bit by bit, you began to see that so many pieces didn't fit, 

they said so, they think im weird, they think i m a loser 

and you tore them off your being, flung them far, far away,

pretended it was ok

apart from the tears at night,

you thought it was loneliness, 

you always wanted to belong, 

but those were the tears of a betrayed self.

Years pass before you bring the broken pieces

of what remains of yourself,

and lay it before this compassionate presence,

whom you only dimly perceived before.

no more the judge, the policeman, the accountant,

keeping track of wrongdoing and mistake.

now watch, this Father has kept, precious, pure, 

those parts you had cast aside,

where have those jagged edges gone? 

smoothening the cracks and zig zag lines,

in His light, they take on a beauty that He has seen and known,

they remind you that you were loved. you are loved.

and gently, oh so gently, He shows you

where each piece belongs in and of you,

the past, the present, the form of the future.  

the Father never forgot the wholeness of who you were. 

*Written in honour of the feastday of St Ignatius of Loyola - 31 July 2012* 

The Client - Enemy or Best Friend?

(pix credits here)

Recalling the words of my earliest boss,

"the client is your worst enemy" he would warn me, emphasising enemy. Then he would illustrate with examples of the client turning on us, backstabbing, complaining, even suing us for things going wrong later on.

At some level, I did understand that clients could be capable of making our lives as lawyers pretty darn miserable, not to mention, be the source of all kinds of danger, from petty complaints to negligence lawsuits.

On the other hand, can one regard this fee paying client as one's best friend? That wouldn't be correct either, since professionalism carries with it, as I have learned the hard way, a certain distance and also, well, from a more practical point of view, clients are more often than not nasty rather than nice, demanding rather than understanding. Not exactly the best place to breed anything more than courtesy

For me, it is hard to reconcile the concept of the client being one's worst enemy with his being the person paying the (legal) fees and doing one's best for this enemy. To begin with this starting block would create unnecessary stress and worry. There is a middle ground between enemy and best friend which I am finding day by day. I found instead that one regards clients as people to whom a duty is owed and whose expectations need to be managed (i.e. reality checks need to be given where necessary, the last I know, I didn't have a magic wand ready to grant all the heart's desires). That detachment is part of making better judgment calls and I dare say, an improved level of service.

All that we have

"Sometimes the road may be lonesome,
Often we may lose our way,
But take courage and always remember,
Love isn't just for a day"

The first Yes we owe to would be to God, and it is to this Yes that i return to when things are rough, and i don't understand or seem able to cope with whatever's swirling about me and i feel all alone.
Comforted by His love and assurances, i come to realise that much as i trust Him more than i trust myself, He is inviting me to learn to trust myself as a beloved of His, gifted, empowered, enabled. It doesn't mean i won't make mistakes along the way, but it does mean, that no matter the mistake or wrong turns i make, with Him in me and by my side, i can pick myself up and go back on the path and learn from Him.

Lately, i've been reflecting on this a lot - Matthew 11 :29 as i m struck by the gentleness and humility of Christ's heart and i sense a calling to imitate those qualities in my work and ministry efforts. Much i have to learn from those around me, but above all, my love is for God and His truth.

'Shoulder my yoke and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.'

A cynic is a failed idealist

(taken from here)

A blog post after a long, long time - and inspired by Fr Simon's homily last Sunday :-
A cynic is failed idealist.

Thinking out loud here, as a former idealist (not a failed one, i would hope), it's probably because it's frightening to let go of all those impressions and illusions that one holds dear about people and the things around us. So when things go wrong and people fail to measure up, it's a lot easier to descend into cynicism and say nothing works at all and everything's in a mess and why bother trying anyway because in the end, things will just turn ugly anyhow.

It takes a lot more courage to reach out of that Pollyanna-like state *sunshine roses and all things sweet* to move into realism which is not necessarily something dark, grim but one that accepts and acknowledges the good and the bad in life. That to me is living with grace, to take both, to give thanks in both and to not lose hold on a spirit that wills to make not just my life, but the lives of the people around me that little bit better.

And when you're so bitter and so cynical - as the poster says, chances are good, you want something so bad and you're not getting it and so you give up and sink into this state of being ... just because it's easier.

Putting my hand to the plough

Putting one's hand to the plough - picture credits here.

Luke 9:62 -Jesus said to him, 'Once the hand is laid on the plough, no one who looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.'

It is human nature to look back after a decision is made - think of Lot's wife, perhaps she only glanced back when they were fleeing Sodom and Gomorrah and yet, how swiftly she was turned into a pillar of salt! Was her transformation into that self-same pillar the mark of a vengeful and exacting God who demands that we follow His instructions to the letter or simply a natural consequence of her own inner division which made her unable to let go of the life and place she knew before?

Undoubtedly the Lord does place demands on all of us, the life of a Christian disciple is marked by both affirmations (of love) and challenges - and this point is canvassed at greater length here. It follows that obedience is required to live this life out fully. Obedience is one of the ways to overcome the inner division inside all of us, that we are not as different from Lot's wife as we might think we are.

I know I am loved by God, and that He has sent me here, home for a purpose, and in obedience to His good plan for me, I want to learn from the steadfastness that Jesus teaches and not look back. Sometimes I wonder at what I have given up, and memories of a time back in 2004 when I had to decide between Law Soc and Catholic Students Society UM (I chose CSSUM, resulting in the most stressful year of law school I went through but the one which God helped me pull through by His grace and mercy) come up again. The reality of the situation is that He has been preparing me all this while, so much so that even when I dread another difficult decision which has to be made - I learn that He is present in every difficult decision and that by plunging whole heartedly into it, I am entering fully into the moment with Him and learning to be more and more like Him.

Yes, a decision has been made and with it, the knowledge that I need to put my hand to the plough and be brave and not look back. Look ahead bravely. On a less serious note, as my grandma said, if God really wanted us to look back, He would have given us eyes at the back of our head! One slow small step at a time now ...

Desolation / Entanglement / Finding my way back to God

Hello all faithful readers of my blog - it has been that long since I last updated! This in part to my finishing up the LLM over at NUS. Commencement is on 5th July, Deo Gratias as He had truly given me the grace to complete the journey, especially during the last few rough weeks.

Looking back in order for me to look ahead, I've chosen the image of a spiral staircase (this photo was taken at the National Museum of Singapore which I visited a week after my last exam paper) to illustrate my journey thus far.

The time in Singapore has been much more of desolation rather than consolation, and I have often felt painfully lonely rather than blissfully solitary, missing all the things and the life I knew before back home and experiencing difficulty fitting into the community here, Catholic or otherwise.
At other times, I just remember working working working as I was wont to do to forget the sorrow as well as being fuelled by a competitive Type A streak which I had thought was long dormant within me. I am not descending into a self-pitying rant here, only chronicling these struggles helps me understand why I made these mistakes and why I did what I did. The answer is always in the pain.

So one thing led to another, and I found myself in an emotional entanglement, placing divine hopes on a very human person. Disappointment ensued from sins of omission, sins of commission. I learned that the only way to forgiveness is to pray for the person(s) involved and I did so, allowing me to let go and even laugh a little at the absurdity of it all.
As the initial flame burst of wounded emotions and a sense of betrayal died down, I stared at the embers and realised that my soul-deep loneliness had led me there, causing me to see what was never there, and to try and create an enclave of happiness to shield myself from the gaping empty hole I felt inside me. But it couldn't work, because I was frantically doing this without listening to God's gentle warnings against it - whether in my heart deep down, or my family or friends.

The embers are fast becoming ashes now, and I am finding my way back to God. Where once I was a shivering soul trying to warm myself by the light of a candle (pretty impossible!), I will now seek the fire of His love to warm my heart, my soul, my mind. It's not disdaining human company, but learning to move from loneliness to solitude, from hostility to hospitality, from illusion to prayer (as Henri Nouwen put in his absolutely stirring and lovely book, 'Reaching Out'). He must come first and from Him, all goodness and wholeness flows.

Why then the spiral staircase? Because it's me ascending towards God, as I go higher up the staircase, I am looking down at my life, the same old issues and problems but it all gets so much clearer with this renewed understanding. :)

Letting the heart catch up

The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of - Blaise Pascal

As Pascal quite rightly pointed out, the heart and reason run on separate lines - and often, the mind is way ahead of the heart. This is most true when it comes to forgiveness, or what we think is forgiveness. Yes, we know that not forgiving is bad for you. It's wrong to hold grudges, it's best to let go and let bygones be bygones. You can't change the past. It's over anyway. And so your mind has neatly worked it out and you congratulate yourself for being able to let go.

Oho. Come the heart, which never forgets. Which feels the sting of injustice and seethes with anger over wrongs done and endured. Time is not the great healer, it only numbs. So when you do look and feel deeper, to your horror, you find that you are still angry. Unforgiving. Resentful. How and why?

And so, we know truth, not only by reason, but also by the heart. Pascal comes to the rescue again. The truth is that we have rationalised the issue, but not forgiven. Forgiveness needs to come from the heart, to be true, and this can take a very long time, especially where the hurts are deep and long-running. We need to let our hearts catch up with our minds and its splendid reasons to forgive and let go. And we can start by acknowledging the extent of our efforts this far without going in deeper is akin to putting a band aid on a breaking heart. Someday we're going to bleed to death and we wouldn't even know why.

Walking around wounded we are, that's what.

(picture credits here)

Moving in the vague direction of OK

(image taken from here)

Imagine if you lived in a room that was enveloped in darkness, and after awhile you got used to the blackness and gloom. You wondered if there was even a need for light, although you did at times, think it would be nice if you stopped stumbling after awhile and could see what you or your room looked like.

Now imagine if one fine day, you drew open the curtains and sunlight came streaming in.
And imagine your gladness at something to brighten your living space, for you to be able to see your face.
And then imagine your horror and disgust at the amount of cobwebs, dust and dirt all about you, which had been invisible before and though you felt them, you pretended to ignore them because you could not see them. You were filled with revulsion, wondering how you had been able to live like that before - you managed through ignorance. But now, what excuse had you to stay in such filthy conditions?

***

This is the upshot of praying and asking God's light to illumine your heart, soul, strength and mind via the Examen. When He answers your prayer, you begin to see just how tormented and ugly and sinful you are inside, weak to the core. At this point of despair and sorrow, stay with what you feel - don't run away. Stay with it, knowing He is there and that He loves you all the same.

It is an opening of our consciousness to begin seeing our blind spots, things which didn't seem problematic before, but now are seen to be issues that need addressing. It is a realisation that we thought we were moving in the vague direction of 'O.K' but actually we are miles away from being as pure and holy as God's children are called to be.

Yes, it is extremely disheartening to know and realise this, and to be in such pain at the same time... and yet, pain tells me it is simply intolerable to carry on in this manner, and I am comforted by the fact that His grace takes me from day to day. Looks like there are no two ways about it, either come to terms with the pain or live in ignorance. And in spite of the wrenching, twisting feeling, I join Him in via dolorosa - the way of the Cross. After years swinging between fragility and pretended strength, I turn and look at Him and see finally, a pure unconditional love ready to take me through the rest of this life, forming me to be even more like Him.

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
Kahlil Gibran
There is no coming to consciousness without pain.
Carl Jung

Someday I will

Someday I will thank you for unanswered prayers,
Those wishes and hopes that have faded with time,
Someday I will thank you for chastising and cleansing,
My sins and ill habits have formed a thick layer of grime.

Someday I will sing a song of mourning that turns into praise,
Seeing you in all things makes me lift up my eyes,
Someday I will bless you in the midst of my tears,
For farewells to loved ones are never permanent goodbyes.

Someday I will, Lord, and grant me the grace always,
to revere, serve and love you all of my days,
Let then, this Someday, Lord, be realised today,
This Your servant asks and humbly prays.

AMEN.

(the picture above is by David Dillon and it's called 'To the Horizon' - more details available here)

My Temporary Home

It was Alex who introduced this song to me, and listening to it reminded me why i chose the name 'The Sojourner Speaks' for this blog - the recognition that i am but a person on a journey and that Earth is not my permanent home. Of course, at the time i started this blog, i was indeed away from my earthly home of Malaysia, across the Causeway,starting a new chapter in my life.

In so many of my walks here, i reflected on where i had come from and where i was heading to, and another bout of homesickness led me to reflect on what heaven was like. The lack of concrete details about what it was like gave me pause, emptiness? God? Harps? Angels? Choirs? And then the great brightness...?
Heaven is real only in the light of God's love, i realised - and coming to know that He loved me first, loves me best and will love me til the end of time gives me the conviction and faith that Heaven, though my imagination fails me, is the singular place where i will encounter God and be with Him for eternity.

the Kingdom of Heaven is the Kingdom of love - i find that drawing closer to home, it is not as if i totally relinquish all my duties and obligations on earth, but i find it easier to put things in perspective, to detach myself from too much fretting about the future (although i still worry) and to concentrate on becoming truer to what He created me to be.

but then again, only if we go away can we experience the true joy of coming home - the experience is incomplete without the journey and the departure.

Journeying together as a Christian community

(pic taken from here - COMMUNITY)

In so many ways, we belong to different communities throughout our lives - neighbourhood, school, work among others. But today let's turn our attention to the Christian community.

Ideally, the Christian community has at its foundation: the reverence and praise of God - Father, Son and Holy Spirit. This is shown in many different ways, from acts of service to the poor via the St Vincent de Paul and Blessed Frederic Ozanam societies to meditation or charismatic prayer together to singing in the church choir. There are so many different ways we can join up to serve, praise and worship Him.

Having said that, we each all have our own faith journeys: there are battles we need to fight alone and the darkness in our souls we need to confront by ourselves. There is an inner dimension to every human soul, but there is also an outer dimension which calls for belonging to a group to feed our need for social contact.

Therefore, we journey together as a Christian community via BEC groups or CGs (Cell/Care Groups). Yes, we can love and serve God together. Yet what do we make of it when everything is kept to a surface level and we know nothing beyond name and face? To journey together is to show another facet of God's love besides service, which is compassionate love and acceptance.

It begins with breaking out of our comfort zones to speak to others in our community and to get to know them better. You ask, isn't this being nosy? Well, if done as an act of outreach, i think that has no basis at all!
(On a personal note, I find it hard to talk to people sometimes, especially when I'm feeling introverted and vulnerable - but when I remember that there were kind souls who reached out, to me I'm inspired by His touch in my life and find it in me. We don't all need to be super extroverted, but a smile works wonders for a start.)
Inclusiveness is difficult - sometimes the blunt edge of rejection shows itself up in subtle ways, still, draw others in - as how Jesus drew Peter and the apostles in through His love and example.

The creation of a safe environment where listening to each other in a state of respect is also important. I know, you don't have to agree with what's being said, but give the others space to be who they are and what they say - it takes patience and a good dollop of charity, most of the time!

And above all, prayer and perseverance. No community is perfect, and at times, I struggle to accept my own weaknesses and those of others, particularly where I have been hurt, or where I have hurt others. It's easy to feel isolated and left out, but press on in a spirit of prayerful trust. The growth of a community is not dependent on everyone being the same, but each of us bringing to the table our different gifts and quirks.
In times when no one seems to care, and you're left all alone, or with only one person by your side, take heart in the words of Scripture:-

"For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them."
Matt 18:20

Don't be daunted, for He is there - and with prayer, grace and effort on our parts, we can come to know and love our sisters and brothers more greatly and join them to pray with them and for them amidst the trials of daily life.

*Dedicated to Star of the Sea CG members especially and Lifeline SFX PJ- thank you all for showing me what it means to journey together as a Christian community, may we all continue to shine for Him!*

Is your life any different after believing in God?

Today was the feast of the Triumph of the Holy Cross. Fortunately, the weather was kind, permitting me to attend mass at St Ignatius Church.

It was during the homily when i was struck by Fr Philip Heng's question:
Is your life any different after believing in God?
Belief in God, and especially in the triumph of the cross as overcoming death, darkness and sin is something which should change our lives radically.

But life is still humdrum, dry and filled with trivial issues and past pains and hurts - so what does this mean for all of us?
The outside world does not appear to change. Injustice, evil and the lingering stench of death are all about, you only need to open the papers to see so many examples.
But inside, the moment we choose to commit our lives fully to Him and believe in Him, something happens.
It is turning all our cherished grievances, resentments, jealousies and insecurities inside out and giving them over to Him. This is the starting point of a new life.

It will not be easy - and in coming closer to Him, you will be bound to see your own brokenness and it will hurt. There will be days when old wounds bleed afresh and you wonder why belief does not protect you from pain like this. And yet, those tears mark the beginning of a life founded in God - one where you pray to Him with the honesty of a child and not necessarily say your prayers by rote! The honesty is important if we are to create a relationship with God, sustained by belief which leads to faith.

A deepening belief in Him will lead us to questioning our current lifestyles and decisions to see if they are of God, a fuller integration of our lives into faith and spirituality. It's a long running process, which also runs together with Him pulling together the scattered bits of our being, some in our past, some in our future and some wandering about pulled here and there by the world's distractions i.e. the present moment.

Say this then with me : - I'm a Work In Progress - Be Patient, God's Not Done With Me Yet. :)

World Suicide Prevention Day

(pic taken from here -another well-written article)

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day.

There are a ton of excellent websites on suicide and its prevention, you can start here. It's easy reading, very approachable and friendly and it also has other resources re handling suicidal calls as well as various other online resources.

But in the simplest terms, what can you and i do to prevent suicide?

We can watch out for warning signs in the people around us :-

• Death or terminal illness of relative or friend.
• Divorce, separation, broken relationship, stress on family.
• Loss of health (real or imaginary).
• Loss of job, home, money, status, self-esteem, personal security.
• Alcohol or drug abuse.
• Depression

and more importantly, take them seriously. It's very important not to dismiss them as a sign of weakness or worse, gloss them over just to make ourselves better. (because we don't know what to do or to say)
Real life is messy,and sometimes are no simple solutions and what seems something small to us may often be difficult for someone else. Let's not compare, but be compassionate, always.

And if we recognise that we are in over our head, there are many volunteer counselling services we can refer to our suffering friends and family - the Befrienders and the Samaritans are 2 fine examples. Perhaps what we can do is to encourage them and to reassure them they are not weak/stupid/foolish for asking for help as well as to help them with the actual mechanics of getting in touch with the counsellors.

(do read here for an expanded write up on what you can do to help someone who may be suicidal)

In summary, suicide is not courageous. It is choosing to reject the gift of life. But before we label people with suicidal tendencies as cowards who run away or sinners who are doomed to hell, at least let us try to understand where they are at and help them to move a little closer to the light.
The best way they can do that is if someone first cares and can see the pain they are going through and extends a loving hand towards them to pull them back from the brink.

“It is by going down into the abyss that we recover the treasures of life. Where you stumble, there lies your treasure."

-Joseph Campbell-

For any of us out there suffering under the burdens life has placed on us to the point of crumbling, know that we can move ahead, we can find wonder and goodness and growth from that lowest point in our lives. Let us strive to choose life always!