Updates / That wordless love / Paper v Touchscreen ***

Hello all,
it's been ages since I last updated this little space of mine on the web - a job change is what I'd like to share. 
To be honest, nobody is more surprised than I am that I am still in legal practice. If you have known me for that long and have been following my story, you would know that I never did see myself as particularly lawyerly - not too polished, slick, clever at buttering up or sharply dressed, or cunning. Or brutal, tough and conscience less, as popular view would have you believe it. 
But here I am, in practice again, working at the kind of place I didn't think I would belong in (large firm with a flurry of activity and movement and all sorts of people, from the ultra happening to the quirky to the quiet) and learning as much and as best as I can everyday. 
I do believe that God has a purpose for me to be there and in as much as there are some pretty rough days and weeks, my corpus of experience (and felt knowledge) is increasing and when the time is right, I shall be able to move on to the next stage of my life to assist others in enriching their own knowledge and carve their paths out. 
*trusting Him and knowing when the time is right* 


*** 


That wordless love - where only action can bring it into the light. 
you didn't have to, you didn't need to. but you still did.
and after a lifetime of deafness, i think i m finally learning to listen and know that in those things you did and have been doing, you were saying 'I love you' in the best way you could.


Thank you. 


***


Prayer time had been about using my smartphone - scrolling down the touchscreen to read the day's readings and reciting the prayers off the screen. 
And every now and then using the Pray-As-You-Go podcast, which I would admit has been wonderful and it's so compact, guiding you through 15 minutes (or so) of the day's reading with stirring music as accompaniment and reflective prayer. 
But nothing beats the good old fashioned paper and ink devotional and my 500 grams Bible - as I flip through the pages, I am reminded why we are a sacramental people and that it is in these very tangible and real things that we find closeness and healing and peace. 


I'll probably go on with both, and as the days become busier and rest periods shorter and shorter, I need to remember, the first fruits belong to Him, and to Him be all praise, honour and glory.


AMDG! 

Of Ignatiusising and Why I love Ignatian Spirituality so much - part i

picture taken from here

It was a friend from Singapore who remarked that I seem extremely fond of 'Ignatiusising' - which is another way of saying I flood his FB newsfeed with posts on Ignatian spirituality. This got me thinking about just what it is about Ignatian spirituality that I love so much that draws me to it and leaves me wanting more and wanting to share all about it.

Well, the first thing that drew me in was the fact that God is to be found in everything, even and especially my emotions and imagination. And besides that, even more significantly, in the parts my life and self that I consider messed up and broken, and that I'm ashamed of. I think there is something very reassuring about knowing that God is there, amidst the crevices and cracks and that He is waiting for me.

More so that nothing in me, or in my life has been a waste, even the most humiliating and painful occurrences, the type that I m still coming to terms with and understanding - are not a waste, as God is there too. Accepting my past has helped me accept my self too, and with it, the knowledge that together with my Creator, the present and future are still open to change and growth.

As I journeyed on, in my practice of the Examen (i try to do it at least once a day, at night before I sleep), I discovered the joy of imaginative contemplation prayer. And There has been No Looking Back hence :)

to be continued ...

Christmas Reflection 2011

*picture credits here*

It has been a very busy Advent for me, the kind that sets off and starts out with hustle and much more bustle :-

1. on the work front - changes in my job scope and a fresh set of challenges;

2. CG, wrapping up for 2011 and preparing for 2012, and sending off one of our dear brothers in Christ, George;

3. tidying up the house here in KD and preparing for homecoming as my aunt, uncle and cousins come back for a Christmas visit.

...

and preparing to meet the Christ child, somehow, at the back of my heart and mind, underneath all this running around and chaos. Year after year, I know it:-

the angel appears, Mary says Yes, Jesus is born, the angels sing, the shepherds come and worship, then the 3 wise men and then Christ is presented to Simeon ... I can recite these events in quick succession.

But what does it all mean? I've spent very little time thinking about this, and even less praying about this. Instead, I've accepted this sequence of events - one leading to another - to finally end on the Cross and the Resurrection 3 days after.

And so I wait, as I have been told, Advent is the season to wait for Christ's birth and His coming as a child. In darker moments, I wonder what exactly I am waiting for, sorely tempted to bury myself in the restless rush of presents, parties, food, festive fun. Or work, in a more sadistic frame of mind.

Until one fine day, when dried and drained out by all the giving giving giving that everyone has demanded so far, I just sit in silence, all by myself before the Blessed Sacrament. Nursing the remnants of the flu, there's only my sniffling slightly and the quiet of the place. So much louder and more eloquent than any words anyone could say. I hear nothing else, but I leave with a sense of peace and a comforted heart. No answers, but just that.

I was thinking : let me be content with that then. Then, 2 days later, circling a parking lot in vain for a space, deep within me, a sense of God's love suffusing within my heart. The words of Isaiah 43 echo - that He regards me as precious, and has given people in exchange for me, and nations in return for my life. Suddenly, His love overwhelmed me and I realised how little I understood its depth and breadth. Over mountains, into seas of flames, He would pursue me, calling out my name over and over till He was hoarse and in the end, die for me.

In this discovery of love did I enter into the scene at the manger. Tentatively, shyly (here I was year in, year out, calling myself a believing, practising Catholic and yet not appreciating this miracle), I came forward.

The Blessed Virgin smiled at me warmly. She beckoned me to come closer and invited me, "Here, touch his cheeks". So I gently placed my hands on the Christchild's cheeks, this newborn. Divine. And yet in that moment, so vulnerable. I felt my breath lost in the beauty of the moment, the sheer hopefulness. New life began here - at this very point and both Mother Mary and Christ invited me in.

I could read the Christmas story over and over again, but until I myself came in and saw Him there, it was always something outside of me, the wrapping on a present I paid scarce attention to. But now I know, the birth of Christ is the gift itself.

Wishing all of you a truly blessed Christmas and that may you experience His love more and more in the coming year.

Welcoming the Christ child

O Come O come Emmanuel - welcoming the Christ child.

When I consider the state of my heart and mind, and my relations with others, I cannot help but compare and see the distinct similarities with a manger filled with animals mooing and bleating and the smell of dung and heat. And yet, of all places He could be born in, the Christ child was born there - giving me hope that despite all this, He is there waiting to come into this world, into my messy world.

December's always been the time of year when I take stock of my life and see where I've gone before and where I have yet to go. I enjoy the spiritual spring-cleaning that the Advent pentitential service helps me to do. In so many ways, sin has become less about not doing wrong than recognising patterns in my life which do not meet the mark of Christ and of asking for His mercy in areas where I struggle greatly in. He's not keeping score, but like the best parents any of us could ever ask for, He is encouraging me to take those baby steps into becoming more like Him.

Metanoia

Metanoia =A Change of Heart. A Change of Outlook. Recognising the wounds and asking for healing, in all areas of life - be it work or love or family or outmoded ideas which need to be discarded.

And above all, remembering that whatever is true can sometimes sting, but first make the truth your own. Before you can listen to the voices outside, learn to listen to the voice within struggling to make itself heard above the din of expectations, praise, blame, guilt and so on. And when the peace settles in slowly, and you stop thrashing about vainly to stop the pain and frustration, you begin to find clarity of heart and mind, and then slowly - answers.

We turn our faces away from the sun, shielding our eyes, and yet, we are still drawn to the God of light and love. The entire slant, angle of our posture, bodies and souls, facing Him and gazing upon Him in awe, wonder and gratitude. The love which spills into all our actions and thoughts.

Putting my hand to the plough

Putting one's hand to the plough - picture credits here.

Luke 9:62 -Jesus said to him, 'Once the hand is laid on the plough, no one who looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.'

It is human nature to look back after a decision is made - think of Lot's wife, perhaps she only glanced back when they were fleeing Sodom and Gomorrah and yet, how swiftly she was turned into a pillar of salt! Was her transformation into that self-same pillar the mark of a vengeful and exacting God who demands that we follow His instructions to the letter or simply a natural consequence of her own inner division which made her unable to let go of the life and place she knew before?

Undoubtedly the Lord does place demands on all of us, the life of a Christian disciple is marked by both affirmations (of love) and challenges - and this point is canvassed at greater length here. It follows that obedience is required to live this life out fully. Obedience is one of the ways to overcome the inner division inside all of us, that we are not as different from Lot's wife as we might think we are.

I know I am loved by God, and that He has sent me here, home for a purpose, and in obedience to His good plan for me, I want to learn from the steadfastness that Jesus teaches and not look back. Sometimes I wonder at what I have given up, and memories of a time back in 2004 when I had to decide between Law Soc and Catholic Students Society UM (I chose CSSUM, resulting in the most stressful year of law school I went through but the one which God helped me pull through by His grace and mercy) come up again. The reality of the situation is that He has been preparing me all this while, so much so that even when I dread another difficult decision which has to be made - I learn that He is present in every difficult decision and that by plunging whole heartedly into it, I am entering fully into the moment with Him and learning to be more and more like Him.

Yes, a decision has been made and with it, the knowledge that I need to put my hand to the plough and be brave and not look back. Look ahead bravely. On a less serious note, as my grandma said, if God really wanted us to look back, He would have given us eyes at the back of our head! One slow small step at a time now ...

Christ in the Candlelight

Christ in the Candlelight

i am looking into candlelight,
while i hold it firmly, rosary clasped in the other hand,
and gazing longer, i am mesmerized
bedazzled, beguiled by its slim beauty,
a column of yellow light tipped faint blue,
and i am reminded of Christ, mesmerized,
bedazzled, beguiled by His beauty,
the simple Son of God who is love.
the flame flickers, dances, moves in tune
with the singing wind, but never dies out,
and such is my Lord, fully alive,
living each day with passionate intensity,
that He reminds me His coming is
to give us abundant life, and an abandonment of death.
oh warm indeed is His light from the candle,
warm His words that comfort and heal,
warm His spirit and touch.

*inspired by the Candlelight Rosary/Eucharistic Adoration at SIC, Singapore - 29.10.2010*
picture credits here