Updates - from surviving to thriving - the Serenity Prayer

This is one of those brief posts where I realise that I've not updated this little space on the Interwebs for a very long time and since I'm now on extended Christmas leave and catching my breath, it's probably the best time for me to do that. 

The period of being at a loose end has come to an end (pun not intended) and it's about time to move on. I did ask me the hard questions and part of them were answered as I would describe more fully, in the second part of this post. I was also helped by a series of particularly enlightening conversations with a partner in the law firm where I work, which has opened my eyes to a new way of doing things and understanding what life is all about. 

Suffice to say, it is only by God's grace that I pulled thru this particularly difficult time, in which He saw fit to give me a nice new Nokia Lumia 800 smartphone via the St Ignatius church Junior Youth Ministry raffle ticket draw. I was reading 'the Hobbit' on a fine Sunday morning when I got the call telling me I won the phone - which I instantly thought was a scam! Haha. Luckily despite the boy selling the raffle tickets calling me 'aunty' (wth!), I bought 2 books and well ... God knew I needed that little pick-me-up, as He always knows.  

It's not a perfect phone, but hey, it's good enough for me. And it has a GPS, which I instantly dubbed Moses (to lead me to the Promised Land). So far Moses has been all right, except for the few times when it's been quite stupid, taking me further into Puchong rather than back to Damansara. Times like these I tell Moses to stuff it and just drive my merry way. 

*** 

From surviving to thriving. I did find my answers to the hard questions in the session with Fr Matt Linn SJ end November. I discovered I enjoy making the intangible tangible. To crystallise ideas into words and concepts into narrative. 

That explains why despite the struggles I face, I am still in this profession that I am in. I find that it always begins with an idea or many ideas - what gives me joy is helping clients to clarify, crystallise and formulate their ideas using words and from there, make their ideas happen. The process is sometimes long drawn-out, and often difficult (esp where there is no precedent) but oh my, the beauty of something concluded, completed. And of course, seeking clarity in the morass of documents and papers in a due diligence exercise. It gives me that satisfaction that goes beyond the mere ka-ching of an invoice that has been settled. 

Needless to say, the care of people underscores all I have done before and all I wish to do, in the future. An expression of love, far beyond the bottomline - of which I acknowledge its due importance, that is what I am striving for. 

***

Forgiveness begins to happen when you realise you can't control people's responses and reactions. You can't force people to be kind or to love, you can only be kind to yourself and to them. One of the other things that has helped immensely thru this time has been the Serenity Prayer, and I reproduce below the original Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Neibuhr:- 

GOD, grant me the serenity

to accept the thingsI cannot change, 
Courage to change thethings I can, and thewisdom to know the difference. 
Living one day at a time;Enjoying one moment at a time;Accepting hardship as thepathway to peace. 
Taking, as He did, thissinful world as it is, not as I would have it. 
Trusting that He will makeall things right if Isurrender to His Will; 
That I may be reasonably happyin this life, and supremelyhappy with Him forever inthe next. 
Amen

Christmas Reflection 2011

*picture credits here*

It has been a very busy Advent for me, the kind that sets off and starts out with hustle and much more bustle :-

1. on the work front - changes in my job scope and a fresh set of challenges;

2. CG, wrapping up for 2011 and preparing for 2012, and sending off one of our dear brothers in Christ, George;

3. tidying up the house here in KD and preparing for homecoming as my aunt, uncle and cousins come back for a Christmas visit.

...

and preparing to meet the Christ child, somehow, at the back of my heart and mind, underneath all this running around and chaos. Year after year, I know it:-

the angel appears, Mary says Yes, Jesus is born, the angels sing, the shepherds come and worship, then the 3 wise men and then Christ is presented to Simeon ... I can recite these events in quick succession.

But what does it all mean? I've spent very little time thinking about this, and even less praying about this. Instead, I've accepted this sequence of events - one leading to another - to finally end on the Cross and the Resurrection 3 days after.

And so I wait, as I have been told, Advent is the season to wait for Christ's birth and His coming as a child. In darker moments, I wonder what exactly I am waiting for, sorely tempted to bury myself in the restless rush of presents, parties, food, festive fun. Or work, in a more sadistic frame of mind.

Until one fine day, when dried and drained out by all the giving giving giving that everyone has demanded so far, I just sit in silence, all by myself before the Blessed Sacrament. Nursing the remnants of the flu, there's only my sniffling slightly and the quiet of the place. So much louder and more eloquent than any words anyone could say. I hear nothing else, but I leave with a sense of peace and a comforted heart. No answers, but just that.

I was thinking : let me be content with that then. Then, 2 days later, circling a parking lot in vain for a space, deep within me, a sense of God's love suffusing within my heart. The words of Isaiah 43 echo - that He regards me as precious, and has given people in exchange for me, and nations in return for my life. Suddenly, His love overwhelmed me and I realised how little I understood its depth and breadth. Over mountains, into seas of flames, He would pursue me, calling out my name over and over till He was hoarse and in the end, die for me.

In this discovery of love did I enter into the scene at the manger. Tentatively, shyly (here I was year in, year out, calling myself a believing, practising Catholic and yet not appreciating this miracle), I came forward.

The Blessed Virgin smiled at me warmly. She beckoned me to come closer and invited me, "Here, touch his cheeks". So I gently placed my hands on the Christchild's cheeks, this newborn. Divine. And yet in that moment, so vulnerable. I felt my breath lost in the beauty of the moment, the sheer hopefulness. New life began here - at this very point and both Mother Mary and Christ invited me in.

I could read the Christmas story over and over again, but until I myself came in and saw Him there, it was always something outside of me, the wrapping on a present I paid scarce attention to. But now I know, the birth of Christ is the gift itself.

Wishing all of you a truly blessed Christmas and that may you experience His love more and more in the coming year.

All that we have

"Sometimes the road may be lonesome,
Often we may lose our way,
But take courage and always remember,
Love isn't just for a day"

The first Yes we owe to would be to God, and it is to this Yes that i return to when things are rough, and i don't understand or seem able to cope with whatever's swirling about me and i feel all alone.
Comforted by His love and assurances, i come to realise that much as i trust Him more than i trust myself, He is inviting me to learn to trust myself as a beloved of His, gifted, empowered, enabled. It doesn't mean i won't make mistakes along the way, but it does mean, that no matter the mistake or wrong turns i make, with Him in me and by my side, i can pick myself up and go back on the path and learn from Him.

Lately, i've been reflecting on this a lot - Matthew 11 :29 as i m struck by the gentleness and humility of Christ's heart and i sense a calling to imitate those qualities in my work and ministry efforts. Much i have to learn from those around me, but above all, my love is for God and His truth.

'Shoulder my yoke and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.'

Family Tree - Matthew West

Except for the Vampire Diaries references, this song is super awesome, and it made me cry the first time I heard it on the radio.

For those who suffer the burdens of sins passed down from the family tree, take heart that God has a plan for all of us and that He loves us. When you first realise it, you will be filled with resentment and yet, beyond that resentment, is a calling to overcome and prevail, and to put the past in its proper place. There will be many tears and recriminations, only our own flesh and blood has such power to destroy for such an extended period of time, with no let up seemingly. Strangers we can brush by, our friends perhaps a little less so. But the wounds our family inflicts stay for the longest time, til they become part of our personhood, woven into our stories, bright eyed indignation to muffled cries at night and an inchoate feeling of dissatisfaction and anger and unsettledness.

Even then, deep down, who has not truly desired leaving a legacy that is meaningful? To bring about new life? That natural instinct springs from deep within us, finding ways to override all that disappointment and failures before. And that instinct can only find its complete fulfilment in Christ, who first leads us to realising that there is a bigger life ahead,a truer, deeper and much more lovely life that begins in forgiveness.

Sometimes i think - those who hurt us, provide the wood for us us to build a bridge to understanding others better. Each time we seek to forgive, we nail the pieces of wood together and make them sturdy, something constructive, not just ugly pieces of driftwood, useless and full of splinters.

Metanoia

Metanoia =A Change of Heart. A Change of Outlook. Recognising the wounds and asking for healing, in all areas of life - be it work or love or family or outmoded ideas which need to be discarded.

And above all, remembering that whatever is true can sometimes sting, but first make the truth your own. Before you can listen to the voices outside, learn to listen to the voice within struggling to make itself heard above the din of expectations, praise, blame, guilt and so on. And when the peace settles in slowly, and you stop thrashing about vainly to stop the pain and frustration, you begin to find clarity of heart and mind, and then slowly - answers.

We turn our faces away from the sun, shielding our eyes, and yet, we are still drawn to the God of light and love. The entire slant, angle of our posture, bodies and souls, facing Him and gazing upon Him in awe, wonder and gratitude. The love which spills into all our actions and thoughts.

A Birthday - Life Lessons and Hope

I celebrated my 28th Birthday not too long ago - and one of the discoveries I made on that day was that I'm thankful for the well-wishes given me by my friends and family via sms,email and of course, the ubiquitous fb. So many wishes that I am yet to reply to - thank you for your patience and kindness.

But more importantly was the discovery that hey, my birthday is just another day and that whatever happens, good or bad, the day WILL pass into the next. I used to get so upset when people forgot my significant day or made things difficult for me etc on that day especially but now I accept it. Not with a desolate resignation but simply recognising that the world doesn't revolve around me. Life isn't obliged to be nice to me. Whatever is good I accept graciously, whatever is bad I try and learn from it, and not cling too tightly to it for danger of blinding myself to my present blessings.

So to the more adult self - think of St Therese Lisieux at her moment of conversion in her youth, praise be to God. I will pray for strength and wisdom to tide the days ahead.

***

My grandma is in the hospital after having coughed up blood - reminiscences of the time she was warded in the CCU when I was in 3rd year of law school and when she was so very ill. We are all worried and upset, considering that she just celebrated 60 years of marriage to my grandfather last Thursday. And yet, hope by prayer is what keeps us going.

There are no guarantees in this fragile existence granted us. The important thing is to be of good courage and cheer and to face the troubles head on. Happiness is fleeting, but joy sits in the heart and propels us forward from within even when things are at a loss outwardly.

I am glad I am around at home to help out and to spend time with her in the hospital - such a blessing it is, indeed, to be able to serve and love our family in person even in the middle of difficult moments! Would I have traded all those moments I spent with my grandparents with fun and 'happening' moments elsewhere? Even to running further and further ahead career wise? No, and the certainty of this conviction eases my doubts about my major decision earlier.

Putting my hand to the plough

Putting one's hand to the plough - picture credits here.

Luke 9:62 -Jesus said to him, 'Once the hand is laid on the plough, no one who looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.'

It is human nature to look back after a decision is made - think of Lot's wife, perhaps she only glanced back when they were fleeing Sodom and Gomorrah and yet, how swiftly she was turned into a pillar of salt! Was her transformation into that self-same pillar the mark of a vengeful and exacting God who demands that we follow His instructions to the letter or simply a natural consequence of her own inner division which made her unable to let go of the life and place she knew before?

Undoubtedly the Lord does place demands on all of us, the life of a Christian disciple is marked by both affirmations (of love) and challenges - and this point is canvassed at greater length here. It follows that obedience is required to live this life out fully. Obedience is one of the ways to overcome the inner division inside all of us, that we are not as different from Lot's wife as we might think we are.

I know I am loved by God, and that He has sent me here, home for a purpose, and in obedience to His good plan for me, I want to learn from the steadfastness that Jesus teaches and not look back. Sometimes I wonder at what I have given up, and memories of a time back in 2004 when I had to decide between Law Soc and Catholic Students Society UM (I chose CSSUM, resulting in the most stressful year of law school I went through but the one which God helped me pull through by His grace and mercy) come up again. The reality of the situation is that He has been preparing me all this while, so much so that even when I dread another difficult decision which has to be made - I learn that He is present in every difficult decision and that by plunging whole heartedly into it, I am entering fully into the moment with Him and learning to be more and more like Him.

Yes, a decision has been made and with it, the knowledge that I need to put my hand to the plough and be brave and not look back. Look ahead bravely. On a less serious note, as my grandma said, if God really wanted us to look back, He would have given us eyes at the back of our head! One slow small step at a time now ...

There's something about journeys

There's something about journeys that make us want to record it, take photos, record the moments, write about it. I was reminded of this when my LLM classmate commented that he couldn't upload the photos of our commencement on fb immediately and we would most likely have to wait for the official photos to come in.

I suppose in my own way, I also record, keep track, measure, look back at what I have gone through. Even if not all comes up as pix on fb, there are notes, my previous blog posts, fragments and pieces of animated and sometimes painful, awkward conversations which keep me going and become faded sepia in the passage of time. In fact, this blog was started specifically for sharing my insights as I journeyed pretty much on my own in Singapore. (altho credit must go to my wonderful mentor and friends and family who have supported me by their kindness, prayers and presence above all)

What about now you ask? I am learning to trust my own experience and to believe that no matter what has happened, I need to take on the Creator's attitude of taking all the scraps I rejected as unsightly and make something beautiful out of them. And having many choices, as Fr Simon Yong told me last year, is not the same as choosing - once chosen, as the verse goes, putting my hand to the plough, I will not look back.

I used to think that if only I knew, if only I could see and think and plan ahead, life would be so much better. Now it's just one crazy mess, and I don't even know if I'm trying hard enough, or I've done or need to do more, or just selling out or caving in. Or maybe I'm all of those.
But keeping still, I press my ear to the heart in the quiet - where I hear desires that I have long suppressed and know where I am happiest, and how much of a leap of faith I will need to take. I do need to choose, and do it in faith, and hope and trust that whatever happened before, whatever brokenness and wounds I've experienced, they do not define me and that God is guiding me towards the right path.

Salmon swim upstream, I am probably insane to even consider wanting to come back when hordes of people are abandoning the ship, saying it's going to sink. Question is: who's bigger? Or what is? The rotten and crooked System that punishes the capable and rewards the rich, powerful and connected? Or the Lord who knows what fulfills me and strengthens me and gives me happiness? Yes I was looking for confirmation, some sort of affirmation that I am on the right track, that I'm not crazy. I didn't hear anything but a confused jumble of voices advising me to go further, try harder etc etc. The more I listened, the more I felt guilty and irrational for entertaining thoughts of homecoming instead of putting even further out. The notion of a leap of faith comes back to me, life here which is hollow and unsatisfying and yet perhaps capable of growing me and realising those dreams I have for me and my family despite those struggles ... and yet can I make something better out of what lies ahead by choosing to go home and seemingly make do with less - this unambitious girl who has sold herself short? For whatever is, I do have those dreams and desires which perhaps only my Maker knows best that I want to realise. And He alone can provide me the means of doing so.

Yes there's something about journeys - in that besides wanting to record, we also want to know there is a destination in sight. I know that short of Heaven, nothing is perfect. I just want to be where I can be whole and say Goodbye and God bless to that which I leave behind. And be at peace with what I've done.

Desolation / Entanglement / Finding my way back to God

Hello all faithful readers of my blog - it has been that long since I last updated! This in part to my finishing up the LLM over at NUS. Commencement is on 5th July, Deo Gratias as He had truly given me the grace to complete the journey, especially during the last few rough weeks.

Looking back in order for me to look ahead, I've chosen the image of a spiral staircase (this photo was taken at the National Museum of Singapore which I visited a week after my last exam paper) to illustrate my journey thus far.

The time in Singapore has been much more of desolation rather than consolation, and I have often felt painfully lonely rather than blissfully solitary, missing all the things and the life I knew before back home and experiencing difficulty fitting into the community here, Catholic or otherwise.
At other times, I just remember working working working as I was wont to do to forget the sorrow as well as being fuelled by a competitive Type A streak which I had thought was long dormant within me. I am not descending into a self-pitying rant here, only chronicling these struggles helps me understand why I made these mistakes and why I did what I did. The answer is always in the pain.

So one thing led to another, and I found myself in an emotional entanglement, placing divine hopes on a very human person. Disappointment ensued from sins of omission, sins of commission. I learned that the only way to forgiveness is to pray for the person(s) involved and I did so, allowing me to let go and even laugh a little at the absurdity of it all.
As the initial flame burst of wounded emotions and a sense of betrayal died down, I stared at the embers and realised that my soul-deep loneliness had led me there, causing me to see what was never there, and to try and create an enclave of happiness to shield myself from the gaping empty hole I felt inside me. But it couldn't work, because I was frantically doing this without listening to God's gentle warnings against it - whether in my heart deep down, or my family or friends.

The embers are fast becoming ashes now, and I am finding my way back to God. Where once I was a shivering soul trying to warm myself by the light of a candle (pretty impossible!), I will now seek the fire of His love to warm my heart, my soul, my mind. It's not disdaining human company, but learning to move from loneliness to solitude, from hostility to hospitality, from illusion to prayer (as Henri Nouwen put in his absolutely stirring and lovely book, 'Reaching Out'). He must come first and from Him, all goodness and wholeness flows.

Why then the spiral staircase? Because it's me ascending towards God, as I go higher up the staircase, I am looking down at my life, the same old issues and problems but it all gets so much clearer with this renewed understanding. :)

That time of the year again

Hello everyone - sorry for the lack of updates, I had been tied down with exams and sickness and a spate of dryness which seemed to last a very long time...

Well it's that time of the year again - and I confess to loving it specially : Advent-Christmas-New Year, but not for the reasons people normally love these seasons.

It's not just about the food or the company, it's brilliant blue clear skies that stretch on forever, interspersed with cloudbursts in late evening and at night. It's time with family and dear friends. It's kicking back and reflecting on what was, and looking forward to what will come. It's experiencing again the Annunciation, the first stirrings of hope and a preparation and cleansing in anticipation of the birth of Christ deep within my heart, and all around me.

The older I get, the less likely I am to condemn things I don't understand, or to despise that which I am not a part of. The older I get, the more I feel the need to live an honest, simple life and that being true to myself and finding the strength to live out that conviction calls for more than just depending on my own strength, but on leaning on Him and trying my very best, despite repeated failures.

Letting the heart catch up

The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of - Blaise Pascal

As Pascal quite rightly pointed out, the heart and reason run on separate lines - and often, the mind is way ahead of the heart. This is most true when it comes to forgiveness, or what we think is forgiveness. Yes, we know that not forgiving is bad for you. It's wrong to hold grudges, it's best to let go and let bygones be bygones. You can't change the past. It's over anyway. And so your mind has neatly worked it out and you congratulate yourself for being able to let go.

Oho. Come the heart, which never forgets. Which feels the sting of injustice and seethes with anger over wrongs done and endured. Time is not the great healer, it only numbs. So when you do look and feel deeper, to your horror, you find that you are still angry. Unforgiving. Resentful. How and why?

And so, we know truth, not only by reason, but also by the heart. Pascal comes to the rescue again. The truth is that we have rationalised the issue, but not forgiven. Forgiveness needs to come from the heart, to be true, and this can take a very long time, especially where the hurts are deep and long-running. We need to let our hearts catch up with our minds and its splendid reasons to forgive and let go. And we can start by acknowledging the extent of our efforts this far without going in deeper is akin to putting a band aid on a breaking heart. Someday we're going to bleed to death and we wouldn't even know why.

Walking around wounded we are, that's what.

(picture credits here)

My Temporary Home

It was Alex who introduced this song to me, and listening to it reminded me why i chose the name 'The Sojourner Speaks' for this blog - the recognition that i am but a person on a journey and that Earth is not my permanent home. Of course, at the time i started this blog, i was indeed away from my earthly home of Malaysia, across the Causeway,starting a new chapter in my life.

In so many of my walks here, i reflected on where i had come from and where i was heading to, and another bout of homesickness led me to reflect on what heaven was like. The lack of concrete details about what it was like gave me pause, emptiness? God? Harps? Angels? Choirs? And then the great brightness...?
Heaven is real only in the light of God's love, i realised - and coming to know that He loved me first, loves me best and will love me til the end of time gives me the conviction and faith that Heaven, though my imagination fails me, is the singular place where i will encounter God and be with Him for eternity.

the Kingdom of Heaven is the Kingdom of love - i find that drawing closer to home, it is not as if i totally relinquish all my duties and obligations on earth, but i find it easier to put things in perspective, to detach myself from too much fretting about the future (although i still worry) and to concentrate on becoming truer to what He created me to be.

but then again, only if we go away can we experience the true joy of coming home - the experience is incomplete without the journey and the departure.

Journeying together as a Christian community

(pic taken from here - COMMUNITY)

In so many ways, we belong to different communities throughout our lives - neighbourhood, school, work among others. But today let's turn our attention to the Christian community.

Ideally, the Christian community has at its foundation: the reverence and praise of God - Father, Son and Holy Spirit. This is shown in many different ways, from acts of service to the poor via the St Vincent de Paul and Blessed Frederic Ozanam societies to meditation or charismatic prayer together to singing in the church choir. There are so many different ways we can join up to serve, praise and worship Him.

Having said that, we each all have our own faith journeys: there are battles we need to fight alone and the darkness in our souls we need to confront by ourselves. There is an inner dimension to every human soul, but there is also an outer dimension which calls for belonging to a group to feed our need for social contact.

Therefore, we journey together as a Christian community via BEC groups or CGs (Cell/Care Groups). Yes, we can love and serve God together. Yet what do we make of it when everything is kept to a surface level and we know nothing beyond name and face? To journey together is to show another facet of God's love besides service, which is compassionate love and acceptance.

It begins with breaking out of our comfort zones to speak to others in our community and to get to know them better. You ask, isn't this being nosy? Well, if done as an act of outreach, i think that has no basis at all!
(On a personal note, I find it hard to talk to people sometimes, especially when I'm feeling introverted and vulnerable - but when I remember that there were kind souls who reached out, to me I'm inspired by His touch in my life and find it in me. We don't all need to be super extroverted, but a smile works wonders for a start.)
Inclusiveness is difficult - sometimes the blunt edge of rejection shows itself up in subtle ways, still, draw others in - as how Jesus drew Peter and the apostles in through His love and example.

The creation of a safe environment where listening to each other in a state of respect is also important. I know, you don't have to agree with what's being said, but give the others space to be who they are and what they say - it takes patience and a good dollop of charity, most of the time!

And above all, prayer and perseverance. No community is perfect, and at times, I struggle to accept my own weaknesses and those of others, particularly where I have been hurt, or where I have hurt others. It's easy to feel isolated and left out, but press on in a spirit of prayerful trust. The growth of a community is not dependent on everyone being the same, but each of us bringing to the table our different gifts and quirks.
In times when no one seems to care, and you're left all alone, or with only one person by your side, take heart in the words of Scripture:-

"For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them."
Matt 18:20

Don't be daunted, for He is there - and with prayer, grace and effort on our parts, we can come to know and love our sisters and brothers more greatly and join them to pray with them and for them amidst the trials of daily life.

*Dedicated to Star of the Sea CG members especially and Lifeline SFX PJ- thank you all for showing me what it means to journey together as a Christian community, may we all continue to shine for Him!*

Is your life any different after believing in God?

Today was the feast of the Triumph of the Holy Cross. Fortunately, the weather was kind, permitting me to attend mass at St Ignatius Church.

It was during the homily when i was struck by Fr Philip Heng's question:
Is your life any different after believing in God?
Belief in God, and especially in the triumph of the cross as overcoming death, darkness and sin is something which should change our lives radically.

But life is still humdrum, dry and filled with trivial issues and past pains and hurts - so what does this mean for all of us?
The outside world does not appear to change. Injustice, evil and the lingering stench of death are all about, you only need to open the papers to see so many examples.
But inside, the moment we choose to commit our lives fully to Him and believe in Him, something happens.
It is turning all our cherished grievances, resentments, jealousies and insecurities inside out and giving them over to Him. This is the starting point of a new life.

It will not be easy - and in coming closer to Him, you will be bound to see your own brokenness and it will hurt. There will be days when old wounds bleed afresh and you wonder why belief does not protect you from pain like this. And yet, those tears mark the beginning of a life founded in God - one where you pray to Him with the honesty of a child and not necessarily say your prayers by rote! The honesty is important if we are to create a relationship with God, sustained by belief which leads to faith.

A deepening belief in Him will lead us to questioning our current lifestyles and decisions to see if they are of God, a fuller integration of our lives into faith and spirituality. It's a long running process, which also runs together with Him pulling together the scattered bits of our being, some in our past, some in our future and some wandering about pulled here and there by the world's distractions i.e. the present moment.

Say this then with me : - I'm a Work In Progress - Be Patient, God's Not Done With Me Yet. :)

Prayer : ACTS and Beyond

(picture taken from here)

It's Friday again - and today I managed to attend the NUS CSS Law CG meeting again(!) after finally finishing off with Comparative and International Competition Law.

Today we shared on prayer and what it means. Jon explained that prayer was our means of communication with God. He introduced the A-C-T-S formula of prayer as follow:-

A - Adoration
C - Contrition
T - Thanksgiving
S - Supplication

Adoration is basically the act of adoring God as one who loves Him.
Contrition is the act of confessing and feeling sorry for our sins which have hurt and offended Him.
Thanksgiving would be giving thanks to the giver of all good blessings in our life, God.
Supplication is offering everything to God - our petitions, requests, work : anything and everything.

I could not help but be reminded of the Church's ancient definition of prayer as stated in the Catechism of the Catholic Church:-
2559 "Prayer is the raising of one's mind and heart to God or the requesting of good things from God."

St Therese of Lisieux beautifully describes prayer :-

For me, prayer is a surge of the heart;
it is a simple look turned toward heaven,
it is a cry of recognition and of love,
embracing both trial and joy.

The ACTS formula, to me, is one which is underscored by love of God and neighbour. Because we love Him, we seek to not only adore Him and lay our supplications before Him, we are also sorry for our sins and faults and seek to thank Him for all good blessings in our life and even those trials which form us into becoming ever more like Him.

Prayer is, in the end, an invitation to a deeper and more authentic relationship with God - and it starts with allowing ourselves to be honest with Him and letting Him into our lives, at every stage and place and time. It is the means by which we unite our hearts, minds and souls with the Lord.

The setting aside of a time and place for a specific form of devotion or prayer in general is wonderful and goes a long way towards making us more prayerful people. However, never underestimate the need to engage God in all of our daily activities - no matter how trivial they seem, and this can be done in ways as simple as speaking to Him in the silence of our hearts while we wait for the bus, ride the MRT, shower, get fed up of reading etc etc (you get the drift!). And when we listen, we might be surprised at what He is telling us.

He who has loved us beyond all understanding will always allow us to find Him through prayer.

Celebrating Blessed Mother Teresa's Birth Anniversary

Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta,
Founder of the Missionaries of Charity

(picture taken from catholicfire.blogspot.com)

26th August 2010 marks the 100th birth anniversary of Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta, the founder of the Missionaries of Charity. She was one of my heroes as i was growing up, a very inspiring woman who still remains close to my heart - and this blog post is dedicated to her in memoriam.

Of course, i was moved greatly by her selfless service to the poorest of the poor, and how she recognised the inherent dignity of those who live on the very edge of society's margins, but the very first thing which struck me about her were her words:-

"Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God’s kindness: kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile."

Those are words i have tried to live by. i especially like the way in which she explained that small things were the basis of her loving service i.e. "In this life we cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love." in this regard, she emulated the great saint, St Therese of Lisieux (another one of my heroes, although in more recent times) who emphasised the need to do the smallest deeds with the greatest of love as a true offering to Christ.

Mother Teresa possessed the wonderful quality of persistence based on faith (something i talked about in my previous post below) and this is reflected in her following quotes:-

"God doesn't require us to succeed; he only requires that you try." and
"I do not pray for success, I ask for faithfulness."

Nevertheless, i really only saw her good works for a very long time, and never asked myself what the source of Mother Teresa's generosity and love- i failed to appreciate the depths of her prayer and longing for God:-

"Each time we look upon Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament, He raises us up into deeper union with Himself, opens up the floodgates of His merciful love to the whole world, and brings us closer to the day of His final victory "where every knee will bend and proclaim Jesus Christ as Lord". "The reign of God is already in your midst." The coming of Jesus to us in the Eucharist is assurance of His promise of final victory: "BEHOLD, I COME TO MAKE ALL THINGS NEW."

"When the Sisters are exhausted, up to their eyes in work; when all seems to go awry, they spend an hour in prayer before the Blessed Sacrament. This practice has never failed to bear fruit: they experience peace and strength."

At this point in my journey, Mother Teresa's words speak to me still, about the hunger for love which is so apparent in almost all people i meet and which i have felt for so long and the dedication to God my entire self to His service.

"There is a terrible hunger for love. We all experience that in our lives - the pain, the loneliness. We must have the courage to recognize it. The poor you may have right in your own family. Find them. Love them.


"Give yourself fully to God. He will use you to accomplish great things on the condition that you believe much more in His love than in your own weakness."

"Like Jesus we belong to the world living not for ourselves but for others. The joy of the Lord is our strength."


inspired by a modern example of faith in action (all through her dark night of the soul - a topic i will talk about in a later post), we can all learn a thing or two, and strive to bring God's light into the world around us. We can't all go to Calcutta, nor should we, but there may be slums around us which need a helping hand, and there is a burning, aching for love in our midst which we can recognise and reach out towards.

for the transcript of one of Mother Teresa's last few interviews before her death, please click here.
this is where she mentions that she is "a pencil in God's hand" - a metaphor to remember, certainly!

of Love leading on to Faith and Hope

1 Peter 4:8
Above all preserve an intense love for each other, since love covers over many a sin.

it's hard to love, and harder still to love intensely those who cause us the most pain. and intense love is often the doorway to intense pain, as is the case with our loved ones (think of our other half, our family members, our closest friends).
we seem to give the power and permission to those closest to us cut deep into the very fabric of our souls through their words and deeds, whether thoughtless or with malicious intent. and how the wounds bleed ... ! they love marks which no stranger could have ever left.

this is the kind of love which comes with a price - and persistence in such love is built on the foundation of persistent faith and hope that there will come a breakthrough - forgiveness, reconciliation, healing for those who are in such pain they cannot but help wounding others in the process.

this is the kind of love which covers over a multitude of sins. the kind of love our Saviour had for all of us, which we are called to imitate and bring into this world.

what's worth starting is worth ending well. while relationships rupture through sin, we can continue to pray and love as best as we can, trusting in God's promise of healing and wholeness in His own time.

of Love and Vulnerability

what is it to love, but to allow ourselves to be seen, shorn of our masks and pretences, in a state of vulnerability and brokenness?

thus today's Gospel readings set the tone, they state in no uncertain terms the 2 Greatest Commandments -

You shall love the Lord, Your God, with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your mind.

and

You shall love your neighbour as yourself.

a lot has been said about love being kindness and other acts of charity, but today it struck me, during the NUS CSS Law CG meeting this afternoon that love is also about allowing ourselves to be vulnerable before the one we love best.

it's counter-intuitive, going against our finely built sense of self-preservation - we keep our distance and pretend because nothing hurts as badly as allowing someone to come close only to have them betray us and let us down.

now, i ask you, have you done the same to God? have you pretended to be whole and strong before Him? or kept a respectful distance, convincing yourself that this was reverent but that you were really uncomfortable with drawing closer because yes, your head knows He loves you, but your heart has seen and felt the effects of unanswered prayer, the many things wrong with this world which seem to go on unpunished, the sin and evil that still fester, within and without you - and this is something you struggle with, trying not to consider it a disappointment from God.

to love God in the light of His greatness - not for what He might give you or your fears of damnation but simply for who He is, this calls for an act of faith which is then the impetus for our poor little love for Him to grow. drawing closer means letting Him and you yourself see who you really are - and when push comes to shove, how many of us truly know ourselves in the light of His love? do we dare to?

or would you rather continue, hiding away behind your seeming respect, that you consider Him a King or Prime Minister ruling a distant land, and He has His affairs and you yours? And you continue sending in your petitions with all the fervour of a nameless citizen asking for basic amenities from the Power That Is, without ever entering into His domain with the confidence of a son or daughter?

if we are to love, if we are to be vulnerable, let us remember, He loved us first, and He made Himself weak for our sakes first.