Loving and the release of humanity

(http://www.etsy.com/listing/94822577/lao-tzu-love-strength-courage-quote)

I've always loved this quote, and lately I've been thinking about it even more deeply. 

A moment of grace came to me recently. Someone whom I loved deeply finally understood - that for all those years when he thought that I could not and did not accept him for his choices and state in life, I had loved and accepted him all along. And it has taken these long long years for him to acknowledge that and to be loved. There was confusion, but never condemnation. How blessed I am that he finally sees and accepts this from me. I am truly thankful. 

You might wonder why this matters so much - after all, he is in a distant land, far away from me. Our circles no longer overlap and we have not seen each other face to face since that day. But it matters because I have discovered, that besides allowing myself to be loved, loving another person released my humanity.There is a part in me that could only be realised in freely giving of myself, knowing that there may never be any answers  or resolution to what I faced. 

An ending happened that day, I thought, but it was really the beginning of a very long journey into knowing what it means to really hold another person in your heart and soul - and accept that although the person cannot love you in the way you thought at first, he or she loves you with all that he or she has. The release of this part of my being has meant setting me free from demands, conditions and preconceived ideas. We are all strengthened by the love we receive from the ones around us, but even more important is the courage to embrace a new way of loving and of being. 

You can't be really all that human if you've never given yourself away. Those moments of crushing vulnerability and the tears I've shed, I think they only make sense now that I see the courage it has unlocked in me to see my Christ and tell Him, yes, I will bear His Christ light to the people around me. Even though it may flicker in me, dimmed at times by my weakness, He is here within me. 

Of Ignatiusising and Why I love Ignatian Spirituality so much - part i

picture taken from here

It was a friend from Singapore who remarked that I seem extremely fond of 'Ignatiusising' - which is another way of saying I flood his FB newsfeed with posts on Ignatian spirituality. This got me thinking about just what it is about Ignatian spirituality that I love so much that draws me to it and leaves me wanting more and wanting to share all about it.

Well, the first thing that drew me in was the fact that God is to be found in everything, even and especially my emotions and imagination. And besides that, even more significantly, in the parts my life and self that I consider messed up and broken, and that I'm ashamed of. I think there is something very reassuring about knowing that God is there, amidst the crevices and cracks and that He is waiting for me.

More so that nothing in me, or in my life has been a waste, even the most humiliating and painful occurrences, the type that I m still coming to terms with and understanding - are not a waste, as God is there too. Accepting my past has helped me accept my self too, and with it, the knowledge that together with my Creator, the present and future are still open to change and growth.

As I journeyed on, in my practice of the Examen (i try to do it at least once a day, at night before I sleep), I discovered the joy of imaginative contemplation prayer. And There has been No Looking Back hence :)

to be continued ...

Unconditional love?

i think i'm in love ... again.

and you'd think that after all this while you'd learned your lessons,

a broken heart, shattered expectations,

promises left unkept.

no but really, this time i think it's different.

how is that so?

you know that old saying, If you love someone, set them free and if they come back to you, then you'll know it was meant to be.

and ...

it's just another way of expressing unconditional love.

Lenten Reflection - part i

i was not weeping at the cross,

unlike the Mother of our Lord and

the women of Jerusalem.

They believed in Someone,

believed that Something would come to pass.

And i, pushing past the people,

grabbed the body, slippery in blood

and spittle from the scornful

unbelievers gathered round,

gnarled with a thousand whip lashes,

grabbed it,

screamed

"Where were You, God,

Where were You when it mattered most?"

and ended with a cry

primitive, primeval, an ache beyond words,

so did the Christ cry out with me.

The Client - Enemy or Best Friend?

(pix credits here)

Recalling the words of my earliest boss,

"the client is your worst enemy" he would warn me, emphasising enemy. Then he would illustrate with examples of the client turning on us, backstabbing, complaining, even suing us for things going wrong later on.

At some level, I did understand that clients could be capable of making our lives as lawyers pretty darn miserable, not to mention, be the source of all kinds of danger, from petty complaints to negligence lawsuits.

On the other hand, can one regard this fee paying client as one's best friend? That wouldn't be correct either, since professionalism carries with it, as I have learned the hard way, a certain distance and also, well, from a more practical point of view, clients are more often than not nasty rather than nice, demanding rather than understanding. Not exactly the best place to breed anything more than courtesy

For me, it is hard to reconcile the concept of the client being one's worst enemy with his being the person paying the (legal) fees and doing one's best for this enemy. To begin with this starting block would create unnecessary stress and worry. There is a middle ground between enemy and best friend which I am finding day by day. I found instead that one regards clients as people to whom a duty is owed and whose expectations need to be managed (i.e. reality checks need to be given where necessary, the last I know, I didn't have a magic wand ready to grant all the heart's desires). That detachment is part of making better judgment calls and I dare say, an improved level of service.

Accepting the Unacceptable

I can't believe it's been six (6) years already, and I thought the void you left behind was already filled up.

No, I got betrayed and let down - and as I sit here, remembering alternating moments between the times spent together and that one singular moment of heartbreaking honesty (and you were honourable enough to tell me the truth, and because of that, you didn't lose my respect, no not my affection either although we both know something has changed forever)

Haven't seen you since, first - we weren't ready, next it became lots of excuses and third, it became being into our own busy lives.

We're still friends, I'd like to think. And no matter what or where you go, always a special place in my prayers for you, whatever you've told me and your doubts.

...

Thinking of someone else too. Why does it always come down to this? The good and happy times fade into this ache and dull emptiness. And for once in a way, so bitter that I find it hard to smile.

Betrayed. Disappointed. Alone. And I wonder what this all means. Forgiveness takes a long time, a very very long time, and talking about reconciliation, if there is no real change of heart or thinking or approach, why even bother?

Chasing after Bubbles

She's chasing after bubbles,

floating by so prettily, lighter than the air,

shimmery transparent orbs

a million blended shades of purple pink and blue on the edges,

She's going to catch those bubbles and

keep them safe and round in her chubby palms.

But the closer she gets, the sooner it pops,

one by one by one,

it's a little upsetting, but she'll keep on trying,

jogs a bit and then giggles a lot

and the sun winks down at her,

bouncing off a tiny bubble that first

escaped her view,

she winks back and reaches out

and sees it disappear.

*pic credits here*