The pieces that didn't quite fit

A long time ago, you were fragile, emerging from behind a shy glance,

you came out to meet the world,

which greeted you with nothing more than taunts and jeers,

you had no name, you began to believe you didn't deserve one.

bit by bit, you began to see that so many pieces didn't fit, 

they said so, they think im weird, they think i m a loser 

and you tore them off your being, flung them far, far away,

pretended it was ok

apart from the tears at night,

you thought it was loneliness, 

you always wanted to belong, 

but those were the tears of a betrayed self.

Years pass before you bring the broken pieces

of what remains of yourself,

and lay it before this compassionate presence,

whom you only dimly perceived before.

no more the judge, the policeman, the accountant,

keeping track of wrongdoing and mistake.

now watch, this Father has kept, precious, pure, 

those parts you had cast aside,

where have those jagged edges gone? 

smoothening the cracks and zig zag lines,

in His light, they take on a beauty that He has seen and known,

they remind you that you were loved. you are loved.

and gently, oh so gently, He shows you

where each piece belongs in and of you,

the past, the present, the form of the future.  

the Father never forgot the wholeness of who you were. 

*Written in honour of the feastday of St Ignatius of Loyola - 31 July 2012* 

Updates / That wordless love / Paper v Touchscreen ***

Hello all,
it's been ages since I last updated this little space of mine on the web - a job change is what I'd like to share. 
To be honest, nobody is more surprised than I am that I am still in legal practice. If you have known me for that long and have been following my story, you would know that I never did see myself as particularly lawyerly - not too polished, slick, clever at buttering up or sharply dressed, or cunning. Or brutal, tough and conscience less, as popular view would have you believe it. 
But here I am, in practice again, working at the kind of place I didn't think I would belong in (large firm with a flurry of activity and movement and all sorts of people, from the ultra happening to the quirky to the quiet) and learning as much and as best as I can everyday. 
I do believe that God has a purpose for me to be there and in as much as there are some pretty rough days and weeks, my corpus of experience (and felt knowledge) is increasing and when the time is right, I shall be able to move on to the next stage of my life to assist others in enriching their own knowledge and carve their paths out. 
*trusting Him and knowing when the time is right* 


*** 


That wordless love - where only action can bring it into the light. 
you didn't have to, you didn't need to. but you still did.
and after a lifetime of deafness, i think i m finally learning to listen and know that in those things you did and have been doing, you were saying 'I love you' in the best way you could.


Thank you. 


***


Prayer time had been about using my smartphone - scrolling down the touchscreen to read the day's readings and reciting the prayers off the screen. 
And every now and then using the Pray-As-You-Go podcast, which I would admit has been wonderful and it's so compact, guiding you through 15 minutes (or so) of the day's reading with stirring music as accompaniment and reflective prayer. 
But nothing beats the good old fashioned paper and ink devotional and my 500 grams Bible - as I flip through the pages, I am reminded why we are a sacramental people and that it is in these very tangible and real things that we find closeness and healing and peace. 


I'll probably go on with both, and as the days become busier and rest periods shorter and shorter, I need to remember, the first fruits belong to Him, and to Him be all praise, honour and glory.


AMDG! 

Loving and the release of humanity

(http://www.etsy.com/listing/94822577/lao-tzu-love-strength-courage-quote)

I've always loved this quote, and lately I've been thinking about it even more deeply. 

A moment of grace came to me recently. Someone whom I loved deeply finally understood - that for all those years when he thought that I could not and did not accept him for his choices and state in life, I had loved and accepted him all along. And it has taken these long long years for him to acknowledge that and to be loved. There was confusion, but never condemnation. How blessed I am that he finally sees and accepts this from me. I am truly thankful. 

You might wonder why this matters so much - after all, he is in a distant land, far away from me. Our circles no longer overlap and we have not seen each other face to face since that day. But it matters because I have discovered, that besides allowing myself to be loved, loving another person released my humanity.There is a part in me that could only be realised in freely giving of myself, knowing that there may never be any answers  or resolution to what I faced. 

An ending happened that day, I thought, but it was really the beginning of a very long journey into knowing what it means to really hold another person in your heart and soul - and accept that although the person cannot love you in the way you thought at first, he or she loves you with all that he or she has. The release of this part of my being has meant setting me free from demands, conditions and preconceived ideas. We are all strengthened by the love we receive from the ones around us, but even more important is the courage to embrace a new way of loving and of being. 

You can't be really all that human if you've never given yourself away. Those moments of crushing vulnerability and the tears I've shed, I think they only make sense now that I see the courage it has unlocked in me to see my Christ and tell Him, yes, I will bear His Christ light to the people around me. Even though it may flicker in me, dimmed at times by my weakness, He is here within me. 

Of Ignatiusising and Why I love Ignatian Spirituality so much - part i

picture taken from here

It was a friend from Singapore who remarked that I seem extremely fond of 'Ignatiusising' - which is another way of saying I flood his FB newsfeed with posts on Ignatian spirituality. This got me thinking about just what it is about Ignatian spirituality that I love so much that draws me to it and leaves me wanting more and wanting to share all about it.

Well, the first thing that drew me in was the fact that God is to be found in everything, even and especially my emotions and imagination. And besides that, even more significantly, in the parts my life and self that I consider messed up and broken, and that I'm ashamed of. I think there is something very reassuring about knowing that God is there, amidst the crevices and cracks and that He is waiting for me.

More so that nothing in me, or in my life has been a waste, even the most humiliating and painful occurrences, the type that I m still coming to terms with and understanding - are not a waste, as God is there too. Accepting my past has helped me accept my self too, and with it, the knowledge that together with my Creator, the present and future are still open to change and growth.

As I journeyed on, in my practice of the Examen (i try to do it at least once a day, at night before I sleep), I discovered the joy of imaginative contemplation prayer. And There has been No Looking Back hence :)

to be continued ...

Unconditional love?

i think i'm in love ... again.

and you'd think that after all this while you'd learned your lessons,

a broken heart, shattered expectations,

promises left unkept.

no but really, this time i think it's different.

how is that so?

you know that old saying, If you love someone, set them free and if they come back to you, then you'll know it was meant to be.

and ...

it's just another way of expressing unconditional love.

Lenten Reflection - part i

i was not weeping at the cross,

unlike the Mother of our Lord and

the women of Jerusalem.

They believed in Someone,

believed that Something would come to pass.

And i, pushing past the people,

grabbed the body, slippery in blood

and spittle from the scornful

unbelievers gathered round,

gnarled with a thousand whip lashes,

grabbed it,

screamed

"Where were You, God,

Where were You when it mattered most?"

and ended with a cry

primitive, primeval, an ache beyond words,

so did the Christ cry out with me.

The Client - Enemy or Best Friend?

(pix credits here)

Recalling the words of my earliest boss,

"the client is your worst enemy" he would warn me, emphasising enemy. Then he would illustrate with examples of the client turning on us, backstabbing, complaining, even suing us for things going wrong later on.

At some level, I did understand that clients could be capable of making our lives as lawyers pretty darn miserable, not to mention, be the source of all kinds of danger, from petty complaints to negligence lawsuits.

On the other hand, can one regard this fee paying client as one's best friend? That wouldn't be correct either, since professionalism carries with it, as I have learned the hard way, a certain distance and also, well, from a more practical point of view, clients are more often than not nasty rather than nice, demanding rather than understanding. Not exactly the best place to breed anything more than courtesy

For me, it is hard to reconcile the concept of the client being one's worst enemy with his being the person paying the (legal) fees and doing one's best for this enemy. To begin with this starting block would create unnecessary stress and worry. There is a middle ground between enemy and best friend which I am finding day by day. I found instead that one regards clients as people to whom a duty is owed and whose expectations need to be managed (i.e. reality checks need to be given where necessary, the last I know, I didn't have a magic wand ready to grant all the heart's desires). That detachment is part of making better judgment calls and I dare say, an improved level of service.